Four Of Cups

I'm probably trying to say and process too much with this one image. That horrid saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words" is so depressing. Only a thousand? A painting can portray something that can't be expressed in words.

For me, the four of cups tarot card is about emotional boundaries. Dementia Mom has been really really challenging lately. I tried to take up guitar again recently but I kept crying when I tried to sing U2's "I give myself away...and I give...and I give" which isn't even the lyrics, as I 1st person personified it. Ironically, when I was a tween aged thing, my mom, not yet Dementia Mom, taught me to pull invisible walls around myself, to protect myself from negative emotions around me. Later I adapted it to a flower, pulling the petal walls up and around me. It's too easy for me to take in other people's emotions. Even their aches and pains seem to sneak into my body. I once was traveling tovisit my dying aunt in arizona. On the plane my left knee started to really hurt. When I landed I had a voice message from my aunt- she wouldn't be picking me up as she had torn the tendon in her left knee. That shit happens to me a lot. Now I have Dementia Mom and my very complain-y mom-in-law, who needs a lot, and a son with a medical condition that is partly mental health issues, and it's like I've forgotten how to put up those barriers. I find myself exhausted by the end of each day even if I have done very little. I need emotional boundaries.

But this card is also a first world problem. Discontent amongst luxury. Three beautiful choices are sitting in front of you and you don't feel content. You have everything you need but there's this nagging feeling that it's not what you want. Even the universe is handing you your soul's purpose in a fourth cup and you don't even see it! Is it apathy? I have everything I need but I'm still unable to sink into the ease of my life. What haunts me? Partly I think this discontent is a good thing, especially as an artist! It is that bit of sand that makes the pearl. I am never satisfied with a painting. There were too many better ways I could have portrayed what I wanted to share, too many ways it could have been more beautiful, more alive, more true. I have too many choices, too many cups to drink from! But if I was perfectly content with how I paint, I would never improve, never make that pearl. So I will always be a little unhappy. like Joan Osborne's song "Spiderweb", she sings "...Ray Charles said "Since I got my eyesight back my voice has just deserted me. Honey, you had best take care, the world is made of spider webs, the threads are stuck to me and you, be careful what you're wishing for 'cause when you gain you just might lose" you just might lose your Spider web....". If I lose my discontent will my art turn to windmills? Will I lose my spiderweb?

There is much to say about the symbols in this image but do you really want to hear it, Kind Reader? I’ll tell you the tree is a very old copper beech tree from Ireland. I imagine they will show up more as I go, all my tree friends. The wooden chalice is the grail, of course, obviously. The rainbow harkens back to Temperance, her association with Isis, the messenger for the gods. The cups are family. Which plant do I water? Which needs me most? I’ve carved a line in the sand around each, just as I schedule a day each week to deal with certain individuals. I’ve retreated to this frame in a frame. A safe space to gather myself, to contemplate the pearl. I used another nephew as my model. Thank god for my large diverse family!

I leave off working with the four of cups with more questions, and no answers. But I feel very satisfied with those questions. That's just the way it goes sometimes. I'll sit beneath the tree, as I did when I used to have anxiety attacks in college, and meditate on this dilemma. Do I need to put up more emotional barriers or take them down? The answer is yes. Do I need to let go of my discontent or is it what drives me? The answer is yes. Should I look for that fourth cup or am I too overwhelmed with the three? The answer is yes. Should I break out of my box or is it a good safe place to retreat to when the emotions are too intense? And again...the answer is yes. Sigh.

Knight of Coins